Let it always be known that I had absolutely every intention of not abusing the free bar and living up to the stereotype of the new girl who gets absolutely pudding’d at my Work Christmas do… Alas – Gin has a devil dick and managed to seduce me.
This was my first ever experience of the renowned “Office Christmas Party”. My Dad even took it upon himself to give me a pep talk the night before.
“Don’t get in your usual state for Christ sake. You have to work with these people. You’re an adult now”.
Despite my father’s heeding I ended up; lying on the floor, attempting the esteemed ‘Dirty Dancing lift’ with my work wife and flashing HR my knickers (Bridget Jonesy’s as well). Other fabulous ideas for my evening included; attempting Salsa dancing with the Compliance Manager, discussing my sex life in detail with total strangers… and screaming at the new kid. So in summary, I am simply not ready to adult yet.
The next morning I woke – riddled with hangover anxiety and sat eating a bowl of cheerios, sobbing on my cat’s belly. Why am I such a fucking travesty.
So naturally, I went to my pals to seek consoling and I discovered that they also seemed to be suffering with similar tales of woe. One of whom literally told her director that she was positive he had a cracking “bell-end” (that one is gunna sting). On exchanging stories, we noticed a strong correlation between the types of people one tends to find at these ‘professional social events’. Without a doubt, I categorically know I’m Liability Lisa, was born that way much to my mother’s displeasure, but which label will you be brandished with this year?
Big Boss Brian
The illusive director. This powerful being only surfaces for the most important occasions, which unfortunately for them, includes socialising with some of the miscreants they’ve managed to hire over the years. Generally very pleasant and interesting but… also has the ability to resign you to a career in perfecting their coffee. Word of Warning: Steer clear of the Omnipotent Big Boss Brian at all costs.
Sex Pest Simon
Luckily for me, my office party was free of inappropriate advances however, a lot of companies seem to unknowingly possess a Sex Pest Simon. In office hours, he’s a lovely bloke. When night falls under the sheet of a beer blanket – the leering ensues. With no concept of a personal bubble, this chap will breathe cider breath all over you, convincing you to let him take you back to his hotel room. Not only would this be a disastrous decision for office politics – but Sex Pest Simon is definitely a toe licker. Keep ya digits dry gals.
Techie Tony hasn’t seen daylight in about 39 days and is probably wearing a Star Wars t-shirt with “Let’s get sith-faced”. Incredibly skewed and awkward sense of humour – but probably one of the smartest people you’ll ever socialise with. Let us not forget…this dude holds total power to save your butt when you lose last week’s report. STAY FRIENDS WITH THE TECHIES.
Tragic Teresa (AKA. The Cryer)
I mean, we all have the capability of being a Tragic Teresa. You’re 6 gins deep and you look around at all the happy couples around you begin sobbing over your boyfriend from 9 years ago who was a total dick but you’re convinced he was the one, because all you’ve managed to obtain since then is total fuckboys. So you spend a solid 2 hours ugly-gal crying into a glass of wine re-evaluating your life decisions.
Big Mouth Belinda
Big mouth Belinda used to give out Blow Jobs like they were popcorn. Now she’s settled down with her sugar daddy she thrives on any opportunity to spread a rumour. Before you know it, that little rant you had about the secretary being a bitch for dobbing you in for wearing a skirt that’s too short, will be published in the company’s newsletter. Whatever you do, keep antics away from the beady eyes of Belinda, she a sly one.
The new kid. The try hard. Will indefinitely buy a ridiculously expensive round of drinks to buy friends. The fresher. He’ll also end up smashed and puking by the cab. Poor guy. So young. So innocent. So naive to the verbal abuse he is destined to receive on Monday morning.
Ghosty Gary is that person who always emerges, eyes blinking like a little mole, solely for Christmas events. You never see them on the other 364 days a year and they bring no real social benefit. They will eat the free food and skulk on back into the darkness for the next year. What does he even do?…
Reckons she can handle about 16 kegs but after 1 round of beer pong is utterly bladdered. She’ll end up slut dropping and injured by the end of the night. Lisa likes to call herself a sassy queen after a few bevvies and she will continue to be brandished with said title for many years by her superiors. (May also be named Eye Ball Paul… who likes to venture different locations to infuse his Vodka).
If you think you’re in the clear and don’t fall into any of these categories… have patience little badger. The photos will arise. The videos will appear. Your true identity will be revealed… and that sneaky snog with Alex from accounting? Yep. Big Mouth Belinda got a snapshot complete with saliva string. Nobody is safe at the Office Christmas Party.